growing up

I feel like one of those hippie girls with rich fathers that live a boring, ignorant, gleeful life. A live fast, die young mindset, not knowing what to do with herself and her torn mentality between idealism and daddy issues. Too self aware, she drowns herself in drugs and fleeting relationships to stay afloat, not knowing whether she wants to be beneath the sea or above the land. She asks herself the wrong questions, but nevertheless tries to understand. She does not want to know the full truth, only appearing to be a spiritual person. These characters are the interesting ones, for other people see their value, their charm, their well-willingness to be a good person and their potential to be a hero. So she stumbles on, terribly insecure, beautiful in spite of her constant frown. But when she laughs, her true nature breaks through, like the sun on a rainy day. And she is like a child, unaware of an imposed world, but so aware of her own, and the happiness that it brings her. It's the tiny things in life, that excite her. But now she is big, and her body is uncertain. She doesn't want to grow up.